Yesterday, I waited for weeks or months. I was exhausted even to wait. The frustration was there for many. Given on two tests of 4 hours what we learn for months, it’s frustrating. So inevitably, the announcement of the results or rather the non presentation of my little name in the list of eligible has pained me. Ok, I cried in my husband’s arms like a child! Disappointment, tension, frustration, then relief. The little ball that had been nestled in my belly for months flew away. The tensions that held my shoulders tight relaxed. It did not erase the sadness, but at last I knew. I think that’s the worst thing. Not knowing. Yet, I sincerely believe this morning: there is nothing to regret.
This year has been captivating, revealing, intense. I succeeded where I did not feel strong enough. I won many small battles. I went to the burn out! And that is priceless !
Two years ago, I was prostrate, at the bottom of the bucket as they say. I had no taste and faith in anything. Even taking care of my children was difficult! Self-confidence and self-esteem were close to the temperature in the Arctic. I had negative certainties and distorted by this state.
I had hit the bottom, I could only go back up. And it was hard, painful and long. Today, with this test of my failure to write PERC, I know that I have won many things.
At the school level already, I was gifted French but a strain in maths. I had a deplorable level and I was clearly dreading the moment when I would have to help my daughter with her homework. Today, by dint of patience and tenacity, I raised my level. Of course, it is not enough for me to pass the eligibility threshold, but today, I know what I’m capable of, I know it’s not insurmountable. I’m almost good at math! 🙂
On a professional level, I made the point. I had doubts, important questions and recurring. Having taken distance courses led me to do internships. Confront myself with the practice. Confront myself with a reality on the ground. Confront myself with my doubts, my ambitions too. I was lucky to be surrounded by caring people. They know it, I’ve already told them how much their support and advice have been valuable to me.
On a personal level, this has been a revolution. I took on myself, I overcame my anxieties (some, not all either;)). I saw myself fulfilled, smiling despite the workload to stall in a sustained pace of life. Working with my children including two children was a real challenge. Another organization is expected to release me real time revisions and real family time, not a little bit of each which has given me times of revisions against productive. I could see that I had a real ability to adapt even if I did not manage in situation. But here again I learned. I know that for next year, I will have to work on this. Do not apologize for being here. I have my place as much as others and surprisingly, this failure of yesterday made me understand it.
So here, I have not managed to pass the bar of the writings to a few small points but I do not give up. For me and all my relatives and teachers who also accompany me. This year has been dense but rich. Rich in smiles, in human relations, in small victories, and that’s all I’ll keep in mind to move forward.
I will be able to resume more regularly the path of the blog. Writing here had missed me terribly! I’m a little scared of having time in front of me, I had lost the habit! 😉 I will take a few weeks to enjoy my loved ones, go see those friends who accepted my silences without complaint and who supported me, near and far. I will prepare our next vacation in Ré Bonheur. I’m going to relieve my husband at home, who has taken almost everything in his care to help me. I will enjoy my Zebrelle and improve our relationship. I will bounce and go … in a few days;)
Thank you for all your words so kind and so kind. Despite my silences, you have been there every step of the way, to encourage me and boost me. This blog is an inexhaustible source of beautiful surprises and exchanges! Will you accompany me for a new test in 2018? 😉